My widowed sister sends money to a man she's never met. How do I help?

The question

An illustrative letter.

The answer

My dear, I can hear how worried you are, and how much you love her. Please know first that this does not mean your sister is foolish. She is grieving, she is lonely, and someone has found that tender place on purpose. Romance scammers are skilled, patient and organized, and they look for exactly what she has: a kind heart and an empty chair at the table. In 2025 alone, people over 60 reported more than 10,000 romance and confidence scams to the FBI, with losses of about $584 million. She is far from the only one.

How can I be sure it is a scam?

I cannot see his messages, but the pattern you describe matches what the Federal Trade Commission warns about almost word for word:

• They met online and have never met in person. There is always a reason he cannot come, or cannot make a video call.
• He works overseas. Scammers often claim to be on an oil rig, in the military, or working for an international organization, which explains why he is far away and why money is hard for him to reach.
• He asks for money, especially in gift cards. Gift cards, wire transfers and cryptocurrency are favorites because the money is hard to trace and almost impossible to get back. A real person who loves her would not ask her to buy gift cards and read him the numbers.
• Love arrived quickly, and so did the secrecy. Many scammers tell their targets not to discuss the relationship with family, who "would not understand".

Why can't she see what we see?

Because to her, this is not a transaction. It is the warmth of someone saying good morning, asking about her day and calling her beautiful after a year of silence. Admitting it is a scam means losing that love, losing the money and facing the embarrassment all at once. That is a great deal to ask of anyone, so many people defend the relationship instead. Scammers also coach their targets to distrust family. If you push hard, he will tell her you are jealous, and she may believe him.

How do I talk to her without losing her?

Go gently, and lead with love rather than proof. Choose a quiet moment. Tell her you are glad she has someone to talk to, and that you want to know more about him. Then ask questions, and let her hear her own answers. Where exactly does he work? Has he ever made a video call? Why does he need gift cards rather than a bank?

You might suggest, lightly, that she ask him for a live video call. Many scammers will find reasons to refuse. Even video can now be faked with new technology, so the clearest sign remains the same: he asks for money. You could also, together and with her permission, search his photos online. Scammers often steal pictures of real people, and finding them under another name can be a turning point. The FTC's articles on romance scams, read together, can help her see the pattern for herself.

If she is not ready, do not force it. Stay close, keep talking, and come back to it. Your relationship is the thread that will bring her back.

What can we do about the $9,000?

Act quickly. The FTC says to report a gift card scam to the gift card company right away, no matter how long ago it happened, and to ask for the money back. Some companies are working to stop these scams and may return the money. Keep the cards and the receipts, or photos of them, because the companies will ask for the numbers. If she sent money any other way, she should call her bank or the payment company too.

Then report it, together if you can. The FTC takes reports at ReportFraud.ftc.gov, and the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center takes them at ic3.gov. The Justice Department's National Elder Fraud Hotline, at 833-372-8311, has case managers who can walk you both through reporting, on weekdays from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Eastern time.

One warning: people who have lost money to scams are often contacted later by someone promising to recover it for a fee. That is a second scam. No legitimate agency charges to get your money back.

How can we protect her money going forward?

Gently, and with her in charge. Many banks let customers name a trusted contact, someone the bank may call if it sees unusual activity. With her agreement, you might also help her set up alerts for large withdrawals or gift card purchases. These steps protect her without taking away her independence, which matters a great deal to anyone in her seventies.

If she keeps sending money and cannot see the danger, and you fear she could lose much more, Adult Protective Services in her county can step in to help an older adult being financially exploited.

What matters most now?

Stay close. Call often, visit, invite her to lunch, sit with her in the evenings when the messages usually come. The scammer is filling a space that grief left empty. The more of that space you and her friends can fill, the less room there is for him. Love that is real never asks for gift cards or for secrets. Yours asks for neither, and she will remember that you stayed.

One thing to do this week

Call each gift card company about the $9,000, then invite your sister to lunch and ask her, kindly, to tell you about him.