My father died back home. The family expects me to pay for the funeral.

The question

An illustrative letter.

The answer

My dear, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your father. Losing a parent is hard enough. Losing one far away, while the family waits on you and his body waits for burial, is a weight no one should carry alone. Before anything else, please know that you are allowed to grieve, and that how much you spend on his funeral is not the measure of how much you loved him.

Do I have to pay for all of it?

No. In many Akan families, a funeral is the responsibility of the extended family, the abusua, not of one child, and contributions from relatives and mourners have always helped carry the cost. Living in America can make it seem as if you alone must pay, because your family imagines that money here comes easily. You know better. You are one of many people who loved your father, and the cost of honoring him can be shared among them.

How do I tell the family what I can give?

Decide on your amount first, quietly, before the next phone call. Of your $4,000, set aside what you need for your own household and, if you are traveling home, for the flight. What remains is what you can give without borrowing.

Then speak to the family head or the elders, rather than answering many relatives one by one. You might say, "I loved my father and I want to honor him well. I can give this amount, and I will send it to cover the mortuary fees and the coffin. Please let us plan the funeral around what the whole family can give together." Naming what your gift will pay for helps everyone see where it goes.

How can the funeral fit what the family has?

A funeral can be dignified without being lavish. The family might hold the ceremony over fewer days, keep the gathering smaller, choose simpler refreshments or a more modest coffin, or plan a larger memorial later, when money allows. Respect is shown through presence, prayers, stories and song, and through the care the family takes in honoring his life. If relatives disagree about the plans, a respected elder or pastor can help guide the conversation, so the decision does not fall between siblings.

The sooner a budget is agreed, the sooner your father can be buried, and the sooner the daily mortuary charges stop growing.

Should I borrow to pay for the funeral?

Please try not to. Credit cards often charge more than 20 percent a year, and fast loans can cost far more. A funeral paid with borrowed money can follow you for years, long after the mourners have gone home, and leave you unable to help with the next family need. If you do borrow, borrow little, from someone you trust, with clear terms written down. Your father would not want his funeral to become your lifelong debt.

How do I send the money safely?

Where you can, pay the mortuary, the coffin maker or other vendors directly, so the money goes exactly where it was meant. Otherwise, send it to one trusted person and ask for receipts. Use a regulated money transfer service or your bank, and compare both the fee and the exchange rate. Under federal rules, providers must tell you the fees, the exchange rate and the amount to be received before you pay, and you can usually cancel within 30 minutes for a full refund. Keep a simple record of everything you send.

What about getting home?

If you plan to travel, price flights before you promise money, since tickets can take a large share of what you have. Ask your employer about bereavement leave: federal law does not require it, and only a few states do, but many employers offer some time. If you cannot travel, the family can honor your part in other ways, such as reading a tribute you write, joining by video, or holding a memorial gathering here with your friends and community.

Who can help me carry this?

You do not have to do this alone. Many Ghanaian communities in the United States have associations and churches that stand with members who lose a parent, sometimes with practical help and contributions. If you have brothers or sisters abroad, agree among yourselves what each will give, so the family hears one answer from all of you. Tell your friends what is happening. Let people bring food, sit with you and listen. Grief shared is a little lighter.

What will matter most in the end?

Years from now, your family will remember that you showed up, gave what you could and honored your father with love. They will not remember how many days the funeral lasted. Give what you can, share the rest, and let yourself mourn the man who raised you.

One thing to do this week

Decide the amount you can give without borrowing, then call the family head to say what it will cover and ask the family to plan together.