Remarrying at 52 with five kids between us. Merge money or keep it separate?

The question

An illustrative letter.

The answer

My dear, how wonderful. A June wedding and a second chance at love. You are wise to talk about money before the vows rather than after. With five children, a house and a retirement account between you, the question is not whether you love each other. It is how to be fair to everyone you love, all at once. That is a great deal for two people to work out on their own, so please do not try.

Who can help us decide before the wedding?

Two people can make this much easier, and each does a different job.

• An attorney, for the papers. A family law attorney can draw up a prenuptial agreement, and each of you having your own makes it stronger. An estate planning attorney can write your wills, plan for the house, and see that the 401(k) waiver is signed the right way at the right time. Some attorneys do both.
• A marriage counselor, for the conversations. Money in a second marriage carries old history: what went wrong before, what each of you has promised your children, how each of you feels about debt and saving. A counselor who works with couples before marriage, often called premarital counseling, gives you a calm place to say those things out loud. One who knows stepfamilies can help with the children, too. Many faith communities offer this as part of preparing for a wedding, and licensed marriage and family therapists offer it as well.

If you do not know where to start, the Hartford County Bar Association runs a lawyer referral service. A first meeting with each is a small cost next to the peace it can bring. They help you see the choices clearly, and the choices stay yours.

Should we combine all our money?

There is no single right answer. Some couples pool every dollar, and others keep everything apart. Many people marrying for the second time choose something in between, sometimes called yours, mine and ours. Each of you keeps your own accounts, and both pay into a shared household account for the mortgage, groceries and bills. You can contribute equally, or in proportion to your incomes, so that neither of you feels stretched or resentful.

Before you decide, share the full picture with each other: income, debts, credit, savings and what each of you has promised your children. Surprises after a wedding cost more than honesty before it.

What happens to my 401(k) once we are married?

This is the part many people miss. Federal law gives a spouse strong rights in an employer retirement plan such as a 401(k). Once you marry, your husband will generally be entitled to the account if you die, even though your children are named on the beneficiary form, unless he gives up that right in writing.

The rules for giving it up are strict. His consent must be written, witnessed by a notary or a plan representative, and name who will inherit instead. A prenuptial agreement does not count, because only a spouse can give that consent, and he will not be your spouse until after the ceremony. So if you want your children to receive the 401(k), plan for him to sign the plan's own waiver form after the wedding, ask your attorney to look it over, and keep a copy.

An IRA works differently. It generally goes to whoever is named on its beneficiary form, and Connecticut is not a community property state, so the same automatic spousal right does not apply. That is one more reason to check every form you have.

What should happen to the house?

The house is in your name, and it can stay that way. The question is what you want if you die first. Some couples in blended families give the surviving spouse the right to live in the home for the rest of their life, with the house passing to the first spouse's children afterwards. Others leave the house straight to the children and use life insurance to provide for the spouse. These choices are made in a will or a trust, and an estate attorney can set them up properly.

Connecticut, like most states, also gives a surviving spouse the right to claim a share of what passes under a will, whatever the will says. Couples who want to settle that question in advance often do so in a prenuptial agreement.

Should we sign a prenuptial agreement?

For couples marrying later with children and property, a prenuptial agreement is less about distrust and more about clarity. It can set out what stays separate, what becomes shared, and what happens if the marriage ends or one of you dies. It tends to hold up best when each of you has your own lawyer and you both disclose fully what you own and owe. Raise it early, months before the wedding, so it never feels like an ultimatum at the altar.

Does remarrying change my Social Security?

It can, depending on how your first marriage ended. If you were widowed, remarrying before age 60 generally means you cannot collect survivor benefits on your late husband's record while the new marriage lasts. If you were divorced, remarrying usually ends any benefit you could claim on your former husband's record. If either applies to you, ask Social Security before the wedding so the date is chosen with your eyes open.

What do we update after the wedding?

• Beneficiary forms on every account: the 401(k), any IRA, life insurance and bank accounts with payable-on-death instructions.
• The 401(k) waiver, if you want your children to inherit it.
• Wills or trusts for both of you, written with your blended family in mind.
• Powers of attorney and health care directives, so the right person can act if one of you cannot.

How do we keep it fair to all five children?

Talk to the children, too, in a way that suits their ages. Adult children often worry quietly about what a remarriage means for a parent's home or savings. A simple, honest explanation of your plans can prevent years of hurt feelings. You do not owe them every detail, but knowing there is a plan brings peace. A counselor who works with stepfamilies can help the two of you decide how and when to tell them.

Love is the reason for the wedding, my dear. Good help and a little planning are how you keep the peace for every one of your families afterwards. Enjoy June.

One thing to do this week

Book a first session with a marriage counselor for the two of you, and ask the Hartford County Bar Association for a family lawyer's name.