My husband handled all our money. Now he's gone. Where do I begin?

The question

An illustrative letter.

The answer

My dear, I am so very sorry. Forty years is a whole life together, and losing him is more than enough to carry without the bills and the paperwork as well. Please be patient with yourself. You do not have to learn everything this month. You only have to take the next small step, and then the one after that. Many women have stood where you stand and found their footing. You will too.

Where do I begin?

With the essentials. Make sure the mortgage or rent, the utilities, your insurance and your medicines keep being paid, so nothing important lapses while you find your way. If you are not sure what is due, the bills that arrive by mail over the next month or two will show you.

Ask the funeral home for several certified copies of the death certificate. Banks, insurers, pension plans and others will each want one, and having them on hand saves weeks.

How do I find all of our accounts?

Last year's tax return is your map. The forms that came with it point to nearly every account:

• 1099-INT forms show the banks and credit unions that paid you interest.
• 1099-DIV and 1099-B forms show investment and brokerage accounts.
• 1099-R forms show pensions, annuities and retirement accounts.
• A 1098 form shows a mortgage, and the lender who holds it.

Then watch the mail and his email for the next few months, because most accounts send a statement at least every quarter. Look through his checkbook, his desk and any safe deposit box. His former employer can tell you about a pension or life insurance through work. Your state's unclaimed property office, which you can search for free, may hold money from accounts that were forgotten long ago.

What about the passwords?

You do not need them. It is better not to sign in to his accounts as him. Instead, call each bank or company, tell them he has passed and that you are his widow, and send a death certificate. Accounts you held jointly will usually pass straight to you. Accounts in his name alone pass to the beneficiary he named, or through his estate, and the company will tell you what they need.

Which calls come first?

• Social Security. The funeral home often reports the death, but call to apply for survivor benefits. As a widow, you may receive between 71.5 and 100 percent of his benefit, depending on your age when you claim, and there is a one-time payment of $255. You apply by phone or at an office, not online.
• Life insurance and pensions. Each company will send a claim form.
• His employer, or former employer, about any benefits owed.
• The three credit bureaus, so they mark his file and nobody can open credit in his name.

Why should big decisions wait?

Grief clouds judgment, even in the wisest people. Selling the house, moving, lending money to family or making large investments can almost always wait. Many widows find it helps to make no major changes for about a year, unless something truly cannot wait. If anyone presses you to decide quickly, that pressure is itself a reason to slow down.

How do I handle the calls and offers?

Sadly, people who have just lost a spouse are often targeted, because obituaries are public. Keep one rule: never give information or money to anyone who contacts you, however kind or official they sound. Hang up, find the number on a statement or the company's own website, and call back yourself. No real bank, government office or insurer will ask you to pay with gift cards, wire money urgently or keep a call secret.

Offers to invest your insurance money, buy the house quickly or help settle the estate for a fee can all wait until you have spoken with someone you trust.

Who can help me?

Choose one trusted person, a son or daughter, a niece or an old friend, to sit with you for an afternoon each week while you work through the papers. You remain in charge; they keep you company and help you keep track.

For the year he died, you can generally still file a joint tax return, and a CPA can prepare it and tell you how the rules apply to you. If his estate needs to go through probate, an estate attorney can explain the steps. Later, when you are ready, a fee-only financial planner can help you plan the years ahead for a set price.

How do I learn to run things myself?

Keep one notebook with every account, every monthly bill and its due date. Set up automatic payments for the essential bills, so they are paid even on hard days. Then sit down once a month, at the same time, and look over everything. Within a year, you may be surprised how much of this has become your own.

He looked after the money for forty years because he loved you. Now you will look after it, one small step at a time, and that is its own kind of love too.

One thing to do this week

Find last year's tax return and write down every bank, investment firm and pension named on the forms attached to it.