College for my son, bills for my mother, retirement for me. Who comes first?

The question

An illustrative letter.

The answer

My dear, you are standing in the middle of three people you love, and each of them needs something from you at once. Many people in their forties and fifties stand exactly where you are, pulled between a child starting out and a parent growing older. It is exhausting, and it is a sign of a caring heart. But caring for everyone does not mean giving everything away. It means giving in a way you can keep up.

Why does my own retirement come first?

Because it is the one need nobody else will meet. Your son has options for paying for college: grants, scholarships, work, and federal student loans in his own name, which he can repay over many years. There is no loan for retirement. If you reach 67 with too little saved, the people most likely to help you are the same son you are trying to protect.

Saving for yourself is not selfish. It is how you make sure that, in twenty years, you are a source of help to your family rather than a worry. Keep contributing at least enough to collect every dollar of any employer match, and more if you can. From the year you turn 50, the limits on what you can save each year rise, which gives you more room to catch up.

How much can I give my mother?

Decide on a fixed amount each month, one your own budget can carry for years, and write it down. Open-ended help tends to grow without anyone deciding it should, and it is much harder to pull back later than to set a limit now.

Then see what help she may already be entitled to. Depending on her income and savings, she may qualify for programs that lower her Medicare costs, help with prescription drugs, food assistance, energy assistance or property tax relief for older homeowners. Your local Area Agency on Aging can help you find what applies in her state, at no cost.

It is also worth sitting with her and looking at her bills together. Older parents sometimes pay for services they no longer use, keep expensive phone or cable plans, or are being targeted by callers asking for money. If you have brothers or sisters, share the help among you, in money or in time. One person should not carry it alone.

How can college cost less?

The price a college lists is often not the price a family pays. Every college has a net price calculator on its website that estimates your cost after grants and scholarships. Use it for each school your son is considering, and compare the results, not the sticker prices.

Make sure your family fills out the FAFSA, the federal application for financial aid, for every year he is in college. It opens in the fall before each school year, and many colleges and states give their own aid based on it. Money held in retirement accounts is generally not counted as an asset on the FAFSA, which is one more reason to keep saving there.

Lower-cost paths can lead to the same degree: an in-state public university, two years at a community college before transferring, living at home or working part-time. None of these is second best. They are choices that let him start his working life without heavy debt.

Should I borrow for his college?

Be very careful about loans in your own name for his education. A parent loan is your debt, and you would be repaying it in the years you most need to be saving. Federal student loans in his name generally come with fixed rates and repayment options that are more forgiving. If you want to help him repay later, you can, once your own foundations are secure.

How do I talk to my son about costs?

Honestly, and soon. Two years is enough time to plan together. Tell him what you can contribute each year, and what that means for his choices. Show him the net prices of the schools he likes. Let him be part of the decision, because it is his future and, in part, his debt.

Many parents fear this talk will disappoint their child. More often, children are relieved to know where they stand, and they make wiser choices when they understand the numbers.

What does a balanced plan look like?

• First: a small emergency fund, so a surprise does not land on a credit card.
• Second: your retirement saving, at least to the full employer match.
• Third: the fixed monthly amount for your mother.
• Fourth: what is left goes toward your son's college, alongside his aid, his earnings and his own loans.

As your income rises or your mother's needs change, adjust the amounts, but keep the order.

You cannot carry everyone on your back and still walk far. Look after your own future first, and you will be able to keep helping the people you love for many years to come.

One thing to do this week

Write down a fixed monthly amount for your mother that your budget can carry, and keep your retirement saving at the full match.